Should look like this… Mine doesn’t! image: Deelish recipes

Step 1 :: Open a bottle of wine, preferably a good Riesling. Allow it to breathe, if the wine is not breathing, give the bottle mouth-to-mouth.

Step 2 :: Sample the wine to check the quality. If you aren’t sure, have a second glass to confirm.

Step 3 :: Chop half a big onion and some garlic into the pan with some dripping. Don’t be a wuss and use butter like a housewife, dripping preferably used because it has a myriad of flavours. Besides, it saves chucking it out.

Step 4 :: Check that the wine is still breathing.

Step 5 :: Grab the cat food out of the fridge. It was far too much for him to eat anyway. Leave enough cat food to appease him after lunch, he won’t feel so bad, and it’s less painful. Add mincemeat to the onions and garlic in the pan.

Step 6 :: Chuck in some parsley, thyme and a stock cube.

Step 7 :: Change wine glass for beer mug, wine glass was too small.

Step 8 :: If there is enough wine left, add a healthy splash, then splash in some more. Add sliced mushrooms. Add soy sauce, otherwise the end product looks insipid, needs the colour. Simmer until the wine is nearly gone.

Step 9 :: Add a box of fresh cream…. Hahahaha LOL, fresh cream in a box…

Stir in the cream, serve on hot buttered toast, wash down with remaining wine. If you were stupid enough to drink and cook with ALL the wine, open another bloody bottle – Like I’m doing.

Warning to American readers – Don’t, I repeat don’t be a total dork and put ketchup on it!

You can get the real recipe (mine was modified for expediency) from Deelish Recipes

You will note that the above recipe doesn’t deal with quanities. A real cook doesn’t need them. If you need them, I would respectfully suggest that you get out of the kitchen.

The time frame for this lunch… as long as it took me to write this!

No cats were hurt in the process.

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