Archive for September, 2013

Even my Coffee Hates Mondays

explodcoffeeIt’s true, watch what happens…

It’s a terrible state of affairs. What would you do if your coffee behaved like this?

I didn’t get here yesterday. It was the planned BBQ and I had much to do.

The laundry lady came and went. I blogged while she was here and got most of my blogging done except here and Eco-Crap, which I’ll have to rectify later.

Once she was gone I launched into BBQ-mode. Salads, meats, nibbles, drinkies,

*Oh, poo, that reminds me, there’s a two litre bottle of Coke still in the freezer!*

Phew, no explosion, but there’s now a two litre brick of brown ice on the bench.

ran_out_of_cokeI don’t normally have coke in the house, but this was a freebie I got when I ordered home delivery pizza. I don’t drink the stuff, but the kids demand it.

All was ready at the appointed hour.

I lit the BBQ just after midday, all was going well.

The appointed hour was between 12 and 1pm, came and went, No EX.

2pm, came and went, no EX.

2:30pm, the EX phoned, ‘we’re on the bus’

3:30pm EX and kids arrived.

She always does this, it’s a Brazilian trait. After twenty plus years here, I should have expected it.

I had meat on the grill, so the locals at the botequim were the beneficiaries as were a group of the local kids. I was also famished, so I didn’t wait, I had lunch – at lunchtime!

There was also a party at the botequim, birthday party for Reimundo’s daughter with music, so while we had ours in the yard the gate was open and we enjoyed the benefits while we ate, drank and talked.

Cloroin B&W

Cloro in Black & White

Cloro loved it too, he’s cool now with the world outside and spend much of the time bounding (he doesn’t just walk, he’s a toddler) between the bar and home. Now, Cloro is a cat, cats love paper bags. Cloro found the empty charcoal sack… guess what?

You got it, he became a black and white cat.

He’s also a boy-cat, he didn’t mind the dirt at all.

About 5pm the Antarctica BOA van came with live music, so we shifted to a table out in the praça. Emmylee ran round taking photos until the battery gave up exhausted… 141 of them, about half of which were mysterious blurs. Have to teach that girl how to take photos. The ex danced samba, I watched, my legs were on the verge of not behaving like legs, not because of the beer, but just exhaustion.

Emmylee is growing up, she’s a big girl now, seven. But she’s a Brazilian girl and she knows how to dance.

Dancing is something that Brazilian girls do well, Emmylee is no different.

About 9pm and we tidied up the bagunça (mess), and they went home, the house returned to it’s normal calm and I wasn’t far from the Land of Nod.

The ‘exploding coffee was from this video clip… I just couldn’t get the .gif to work.


“I have found it!” Cried Archimedes… on discovering that a body has volume.

Now volume isn’t exactly what I found, in fact, it is probably the antithesis of volume.

Cloro was on the printer this morning preening himself ‘down there’ while I had coffee. It’s a pretty normal Caturday morning thing. When he stopped, which drew my attention; he was staring at his penis which had made an appearance. Deciding it needed washing, he proceeded.

Cloro is definitely a boy Rag Doll pussy! The mystery has been solved.

I wish I could do that…

ferrariBut then I saw this which indicates that I am of an age at which I would have in all probability stopped, which is why I get so much enjoyment from doing a BBQ, I still get to burn the meat.

I’ll get a chance to do that tomorrow. Meat is in the fridge, cheap but palatable wine for the ex is also in the fridge along with the makings of a salad or two.

I have spent the morning cleaning the yard; a task that I have been threatening to do for ages. The result is I’m shagged! But I feel good after my excesses, moving the old stoves around, sweeping and stuff. Cloro was amused, he had fun chasing the debris flying around and is now asleep on the printer, equally shagged.

Last night I repaired the BBQ which was broken when my neighbour moved it some months ago. I had to repair it because I discovered the the BBQ from the botequim is in use tomorrow. They are also having a birthday BBQ and music.

This morning I confused him. I cleaned his corner of the kitchen, not that he’s a messy pussy, but it does get muddled. Inadvertently I swapped the milk dish with the water dish. He sat there and looked from one to the other, then at me; another wish-I-had-the-camera moment.

Not this Chavez, although Venezuela could not be worse off he was president

Not this Chavez, although Venezuela could not be worse off he was president

I read yesterday that Venezuela is short of many basic items. The question being asked was why in a rich country was this so?

The crisis began years ago with Chavez, then the people stupidly voted in his nominated successor against the rules of the constitution and the situation worsened, to the point that the stupid Maduro had to import a half million toilet rolls because the Venezuelans couldn’t wipe their bums.

The Venezuelans only have themselves to blame.

Things were bad under Chavez and they couldn’t get rid of him, now under Maduro things are worse. Communism is a plot, it doesn’t work. ‘All animals are equal, some are more equal than others’ – Animal Farm. I bet Maduro’s household didn’t have a shortage of toilet paper, nor coffee, nor sugar, nor milk…

So much for being a rich country.

It is time I had lunch, by which time it will magically become beer o’clock.



Cloro is nowhere in sight, not sleeping on the bed nor the printer, he’s not on either of the sofas, I suspect he’s outside exploring the yard. I continue to pad quietly toward the kitchen to pour a fresh coffee…

Then BEDLAM strikes! Before I can put a foot on the slate floor of the kitchen, there’s a white blur between my feet and he’s there before me! Just like magic! Sitting in that spot that is reserved for cats, the middle of the floor. He’s looking up at me with little blue eyes full of hope, full of hope that I’ll open the fridge door. He knows I will, I need milk for my coffee, and maybe, just maybe I’ll put some minced (ground) beef in his plate…

Tough luck kitty, no mince until I’ve been to the supermarket!

I make my coffee, I turn to leave the kitchen… and he’s disappeared. I know he’s waiting beyond the sofa to ambush me. I stop out of sight and peer over the arm of the sofa; there he is, his little bum waggling in hunting mode, waiting… waiting to pounce, waiting to savage my ankles, waiting to seek revenge.


Kittens are magic

“BOO!” I say, he looks up, threatens me with his paws, springs into the air with a half twist that would qualify him for the gymnastics gold medal, and out the door into the yard.

So, I go quietly in to bedroom and sip my coffee…

I have my last blog of the day to post.

Yes, the magic of having a kitten.

BBQ planned with ex and kids for Sunday, so I must go to the supermarket, although I may nap beforehand; naps are magic too.

I need to plan my menu for Sunday, what meats, a salad or two, munchies for the kids. These things are best done in the closing stages of a nap. A cheap but tolerable wine for the ex; she doesn’t appreciate good wine. Hers has to be sweet, even if she gets a good bottle of Riesling from my wine rack and destroys it by adding sugar… , but then she puts Coca Cola in her beer, so what can you expect? She doesn’t understand why I have all these wines and delicious liqueurs and I just leave them in the rack or on the shelves. You cannot teach finesse, it has to be acquired.



No Kitty Break

Hopefully, I get this written before Cloro wakes up. He’s alseep on my his our bed behind me.

nothingagainstgodNot much to blog about, but I will share one thought with you. It’s an observation made over many years of blogging. If you look at map counters on blogs there is a fact that sticks out like a sore toe. You get few visits on a humour blog from Muslim countries, not all, but some which to me means that generally Muslims don’t have a sense of humour. I reckon the reason is that they don’t drink alcohol, they don’t know how to have fun. Now, don’t get the idea that I am against Muslims, Christian evangelicals are the same, no sense of humour, I’ve known a few in my time, they can’t talk about anything without quoting the Bible, quite frankly, they’re as boring as f*&k; and they want to share their religious views with you, but don’t want to hear about yours.

Well, Rio had the world youth gathering and the pope a month or so ago to disrupt everything, then last two weeks we had Rock in Rio to disrupt everything, now we’re going to have Justin Beaver Butt in November, and already it is disrupting everything. Kids have started lining up at the ticket sales office and camping out a full six weeks before tickets even go on sale. The situation looks like getting out of hand, so the council banned camping out in the area. I haven’t seen the aftermath of that decision yet.

feelingsI have often heard it said that men don’t have feelings; then today I saw this, proof that we do.

That’s all I have time for today. I was feeling tired, so I had two naps and the day ebbed away.

Must get ready to look like a teacher, I’,m feeling so scruffy.


The Blogger Didn’t Blog

No, the Blogger was a bad boy.

But, I have freshly brewed coffee and am about to rectify this serious omission.

Cold weather struck Monday after a hot weekend. Much of the south of Brazil has been devastated with heavy rain, floods, snow, huge hailstones and even a tornado ripped one small town in rural São Paulo state apart; causing billions in damage and grain losses. The towns main industry was storing soya (GMO) and the huge grain silos were just torn apart and they had trucks flying through the air.

Taquarituba, rural São Paulo state, hit by a tornado on Sunday - image

Taquarituba, rural São Paulo state, hit by a tornado on Sunday – image

Now, Brazil doesn’t didn’t get tornados, but the last two years have seen them, along with a hurricane two years ago. Brazil has always had floods, but the severity has worsened in the same two years. Tell me there isn’t climate change.

And yet we have government arseholes (assholes for Americans who refer to their arseholes as donkey-holes, we call them for what they are) denying that climate change exists, even in Australia, the newly elected prime minister is in total denial, and pushing for more and more coal.

Sorry, had to take a ‘kitty break’, Cloro wanted cuddles. He’s a growing pussy, whereas before his sharp little claws were sore, now they are agony; and his teeth have become the jaws-of-death. He has discovered that if you go out the bedroom window you can sit on top of the old fridge in the garage and survey your king, ah catdom. I have introduced him to the botequim a few times now, he is a little bit fraidy of the outside world, but ‘oh the possibilities.’

Back on track, because of the cold weather, I have been stuck indoors, not doing much, the highlight of the last two days has been limited to the dishes and finding dead cockroaches in the bed (twice). So there hasn’t been a lot to blog about. I have also been busy finding and downloading new material for English lessons, so blogging generally was on the back burner.

But have no fear, I haven’t met my demise just yet.

This is the first post of the day, so must blog along.


The Blogger has Blogged

Yes, 9am and I’m almost done.

I have been invited to a BBQ today, the travel arrangements are a bit dicky, but if all goes well, one of my ex-students should arrive within the hour and transport me to the land of plenty, plenty of food, plenty of drink…

4492148_3b0eGrammar police… is ‘blog’ a regular verb, or should we make it irregular? As in blog, blag, blug. This and many other inconsequential thoughts course through my mind at the oddest of moments. Maybe I do drink too much coffee…

Too much coffee, no such animal.

What an absurd thought, too much coffee.

Today is World Rhino Day, I commented on this earlier in the week and it is the Nature Ramble on Eco-Crap today . Go on, go out there, find a Rhino and give it a hug, show you care.

bachinblackOne of my favourite classical pieces is Toccata and fugue in D minor, you know JS Bach stuff.

Reading last night, apparently Johann Sebastian wasn’t a good boy, which surprised me. His music is heavenly, or in the case of Toccata, a little satanic. It turns out the he was the Bachd boy of music. So intrigued was I by this revelation, I posted about it on Tomus Arcanum this morning. You can also listen to Toccata on the video clip, it gives one a good idea of how an organ (real organ) is played.

The other interesting fact about Toccata, it is said by some to be the forerunner of Heavy Metal, now there’s a thought, classical heavy metal.

Well, I must off and make myself presentable. *Turns mysteriously from a blogger to a handsome prince*


A few simple words

Oh, I needed my prescription coffee this morning

Oh, I needed my prescription coffee this morning

Specifically to the Spam Bot Clown from Montreal, Canada; who struck again this morning adding 542+/- hits here and screwing up my stats…

“Go play with yourself, at least that’s productive!”

A lovely bloggable day, the sun is shining, I should be outside, but it’s scary out there, there are people!

Actually, I have been outside testing my new spade. After months of cogitating, on Thursday I finally bought one. I have been cleaning up sand where Cloro has done his thing. BTW, day seven today, I think he’s kicked the habit of peeing on the sofa. I also turned over the compost heap, letting all that delicious compost from the bottom rise to the sun, letting the wonderful agricultural aroma waft around the yard.

I decided to defrost my fridge over night and woke to a flooded kitchen. Out with the squeegee before I could splash around and make coffee. Cloro looked perplexed as his dinner tray (polystyrene) floated along with the water and detria.

Napped, lunched, blogged…

It’s beer o’clock, time for Cloro and I to go to the botequim.

I’ll leave you with a little Clorofilm.

Cloro the Exploro

Oh, the background noise at the end is a Brazilian air force fighter flying around.

God, I’m good!

I have almost finished blogging for the day, I have seen the best part of a thermos of coffee, I have napped with the help of the able bodied Cloro, I scared the hell out of the kitchen by doing the dishes (I can report that the bottom of the kitchen sink is still there) and I have cooked and eaten lunch.

Now, I am sitting here sweating. The day is muggy, not hot-hot, but hot enough to be seriously considering beer o’clock.

What a pratt!

What a pratt!

Yesterday, I googled beaver butt for a post on Eco-Crap, guess what I got… Stupid google sent me ‘bieber butt’. Somebody’s got their algorithms in a twist. I have absolutely no interest in Bieber, and even less in his butt.

I see JP Morgan got fined $92,000,000 for conveniently losing $8,000,000,000. Nobody was responsible, nobody went to jail. In my opinion along with the fine they should have had to make the $8bn reappear. Some wanker banker is laughing his privates off and is $8bn richer. Come on, $8bn just doesn’t disappear. It is shit like this that makes me wonder where our world is headed… and I don’t imagine it is a pretty place.

Cloro has decided that it’s fun to help daddy tie his boot laces. Doing up one’s boot laces with a kitten dangling on the end is no mean task. Today, I was on the phone talking to my bossette, and he decides to take the elevator straight up my legs, shorts and T-shirt. I caught him in one arm, and he just looks at me innocently like ‘cuddle-time?’. Here I am on the phone doing my best not to scare my bossette with a blood-curdling yell that one usually associates with such pain and he wants a cuddle.

I am beginning to think the human race is like the lemmings and their annual migration over the cliff to certain demise. Everybody is racing to Japan. A Kennedy daughter is about to become ambassador, Japan is still a top tourist destination, and the Olympic games are going to be there. I wouldn’t send a pox-ridden penis to Japan with the current radiation problems. And yesterday they had another earthquake in the region, not big enough nor close enough to do further damage, but I bet some Japanese sphincters were quivering.

News has started, time to migrate to the botequim and watch it there while I nurse my bloodily scratched legs.


Just a Quick Slash

Fuel-Gauge-Coffee-Mug-1Before I got my new stove I had time for a comfortable pee, milk and sugar my coffee mug.

Now, it is a quick slash, sugar and milk if I don’t have to remove Cloro from the fridge door with foot, the coffee is boiling.

I’m not accustomed to life in the fast lane.

I found out earlier this week that we have Rhino Day on Sunday, and yesterday was National Ceiling Fan Day; today I discover that we have a whole week of frogs. Frog Week 16th-22nd Sept… follow the frog.

Love this clip Hidden Consequences from Rainforest Alliance:

So, get you behind the frog, heathen!

Blogs numbers have been growing little by little over the last few days. Blogs where numbers plummeted to below 10% have risen to 20/25% of their original hits. Gives me some hope yet, and I’m pleased that I didn’t desist.

Day Six, no errant peeing.

I just love it at night. After his little bedlam attack when I go to bed, he comes and sits by my head on the pillow. A plaintiff mew, if I am almost asleep, tells me it’s time for tickles. I stroke him and tickle him under the chin, he lifts his little head with a catlike look of bliss and begins to lean against nothing, finally toppling on to the pillow in a catatonic sleep (pun intended).

3-dayweekendtagOver the hump, downhill to last lesson for the week this evening; then it’s the weekend!

Sometimes I love being old, you can get away with shit like three-day weekends and nobody says BOO!

And you get to take naps.

BTW, it took ten seconds for Cloro to wake, yawn, stretch climb up on the back of the chair and jump across to the bed to help me with the snoozes yesterday. He’s sleeping on the printer again now and I’m about to post this and do the snooze thing.

Two Things Turn Me Off

delete-buttonI get so annoyed when I get followed by CEOs or see Social Media in a tweet. Nothing will switch me off faster and send me racing for the ‘Delete’ button.

I also get pissed off when someone follows me and I follow back, and then they unfollow.

Humpday, I love Humpday. Downhill all day tomorrow, then my weekend starts of Friday because I don’t have any students on Fris.

I found a wonderful YouTube clip for Humpday. I just have to share it with you. It’s an advert, but who cares when it comes to having a good laugh.

I think that one is just great.

I used to have a bad habit. Every  time I went to the bathroom, I’d turn on the light. The bathroom has a window, but it’s under the shelter of the outside laundry facilities, so it’s not brightly lit and it was just a reaction to flip the light switch.

Over time I have become more conscious of the need to save electricity, and all those little things count, so I have finally kicked the habit. I remember where my penis is, pretty much the same place I left it,  and the toilet is directly in front of me, so it’s not too hard to pee in the half light. If it doesn’t make the right sound, then a minor adjustment is necessary.

If only governments could function as simply, mind you half of them don’t know where their dicks are; they know where the wallet is though.

Speaking of pee, Cloro is into day five and no wet patches on the sofa cover. Yay! Maybe his little pink nose has got the message.

Haha, Humpday, my afternoon student just canceled. I may get to the supermarket yet. The highlight of my day. Although, I am about as enthused as a zombie. Despite three coffees, I am just going through the motions. I think a nap is in order, I’ll see how long it takes Cloro from asleep on the printer to helping me do the snooze.



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