Once again, I have visited a blog that espouses ‘blogging tips’.

There are thousands, nay probably millions, of blogs and blogs with posts about blogging tips. And, the surprising this is they ll seem to get plenty of readers, likes and follows.

I can’t see why I shouldn’t join the madding crowd.

And I look forward to having lots of wonderful comments, visitors and likes too.

Five Tips to Ensure your Blogivity.

Blogging Tip #1

coffee-cigarettes_00387047Coffee, one cannot blog or write descent material without having decent coffee at hand. Coffee and the by necessity cigarette are essential blogging tools. If your posts lack that essential caffeine hint, then sadly your blog will fail.

The coffee needs to be real coffee; instant or Starbucks will not cut the mustard and will result in mediocre posts.

catswim

A pussy is a must, if it’s a wet pussy, so much the better

Blogging Tip #2

Pussy!

You’re blog must have the quintessential cat.

It may be your cat, it can be a LOL Cat, all the better.

It can even be a scraggy moggy found while trolling the blogosphere.

The cat may be neurotic, or one offering philosophical advice; but the bottom line is it must have a cat.

A giant duck has nothing to do with this post

A giant duck has nothing to do with this post

Blogging Tip #3

Whatever your post is about, there must be an image of some description.

Blog posts that are just text are boring.

The image may/may not be related to the post, but it must be linked in some way.

Images should be spaced alternatively, or people will think you are just taking the mickey.

If you don’t have an image, people may think you are quackers or the type of person who plays with a rubber ducky in the bath, which, by the way proves that you are quackers.

A fairy in a jar, is often helpful, if you can find one at the bottom of the garden

A fairy in a jar, is often helpful, if you can find one at the bottom of the garden

Blogging Tip #4

Know your audience, target your posts to your audience. Once you have got a visitor you must keep them captured, enraptured and literally trussed up in what you have to say, or indeed not say.

You don’t have to be as charismatic as that Biblical fellow, but he does have a lot of followers (he must have good SEO).

But once you’ve captured your audience, you have to give them something worthwhile, or not, to keep them entranced.

A sure-fire way to keep your audience, is post regularly and often. And write your posts ‘off the cuff’; don’t plan them. Planned posts often come across as bullshit and the world has enough of that already.

Don’t forget to communicate; if your visitor leaves a comment, acknowledge it, appreciate it, thank them. If you can’t think of anything to say, just ūüôā

Rather sterile, but it may work

Rather sterile, but it may work

Blogging Tip # 5

SEO Рyou must know your SEO. Sex, Enigma and One can of inspiration. If you are not inspired, your readers will know. Therefore you keep them spell-bound with sex and the extraordinary. That other stuff about search engines not finding your material is superfluous. If you have Sex, Enigma and One can of inspiration,  you will be found.

Some people prefer to have an inspiration key fitted to their keyboard. That’s all very well, but it doesn’t give the same gratification as opening a can and dipping your finger in; it’s a bit like that Nutella feeling, gooey but nice.

Every bloggers' dream

Every bloggers’ dream

Blogging Tip #6

Be inconsistent, eclectic, keep people guessing.

Tell them one thing and do another, like have a sixth blogging tip when you promised five.

Don’t just dream to be out for lunch, go the whole hog and go viral.

Summary

My pearls maybe wisdom, maybe not, you may get more readers, maybe not, but you will have the satisfaction of blogging. You deserve another coffee.

NB: Some of the above is not nonsense, most of it is.

Remember, when in doubt ūüôā

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