Tag Archive: bullshit


5 Must do Blogging Tips

Once again, I have visited a blog that espouses ‘blogging tips’.

There are thousands, nay probably millions, of blogs and blogs with posts about blogging tips. And, the surprising this is they ll seem to get plenty of readers, likes and follows.

I can’t see why I shouldn’t join the madding crowd.

And I look forward to having lots of wonderful comments, visitors and likes too.

Five Tips to Ensure your Blogivity.

Blogging Tip #1

coffee-cigarettes_00387047Coffee, one cannot blog or write descent material without having decent coffee at hand. Coffee and the by necessity cigarette are essential blogging tools. If your posts lack that essential caffeine hint, then sadly your blog will fail.

The coffee needs to be real coffee; instant or Starbucks will not cut the mustard and will result in mediocre posts.

catswim

A pussy is a must, if it’s a wet pussy, so much the better

Blogging Tip #2

Pussy!

You’re blog must have the quintessential cat.

It may be your cat, it can be a LOL Cat, all the better.

It can even be a scraggy moggy found while trolling the blogosphere.

The cat may be neurotic, or one offering philosophical advice; but the bottom line is it must have a cat.

A giant duck has nothing to do with this post

A giant duck has nothing to do with this post

Blogging Tip #3

Whatever your post is about, there must be an image of some description.

Blog posts that are just text are boring.

The image may/may not be related to the post, but it must be linked in some way.

Images should be spaced alternatively, or people will think you are just taking the mickey.

If you don’t have an image, people may think you are quackers or the type of person who plays with a rubber ducky in the bath, which, by the way proves that you are quackers.

A fairy in a jar, is often helpful, if you can find one at the bottom of the garden

A fairy in a jar, is often helpful, if you can find one at the bottom of the garden

Blogging Tip #4

Know your audience, target your posts to your audience. Once you have got a visitor you must keep them captured, enraptured and literally trussed up in what you have to say, or indeed not say.

You don’t have to be as charismatic as that Biblical fellow, but he does have a lot of followers (he must have good SEO).

But once you’ve captured your audience, you have to give them something worthwhile, or not, to keep them entranced.

A sure-fire way to keep your audience, is post regularly and often. And write your posts ‘off the cuff’; don’t plan them. Planned posts often come across as bullshit and the world has enough of that already.

Don’t forget to communicate; if your visitor leaves a comment, acknowledge it, appreciate it, thank them. If you can’t think of anything to say, just ūüôā

Rather sterile, but it may work

Rather sterile, but it may work

Blogging Tip # 5

SEO Рyou must know your SEO. Sex, Enigma and One can of inspiration. If you are not inspired, your readers will know. Therefore you keep them spell-bound with sex and the extraordinary. That other stuff about search engines not finding your material is superfluous. If you have Sex, Enigma and One can of inspiration,  you will be found.

Some people prefer to have an inspiration key fitted to their keyboard. That’s all very well, but it doesn’t give the same gratification as opening a can and dipping your finger in; it’s a bit like that Nutella feeling, gooey but nice.

Every bloggers' dream

Every bloggers’ dream

Blogging Tip #6

Be inconsistent, eclectic, keep people guessing.

Tell them one thing and do another, like have a sixth blogging tip when you promised five.

Don’t just dream to be out for lunch, go the whole hog and go viral.

Summary

My pearls maybe wisdom, maybe not, you may get more readers, maybe not, but you will have the satisfaction of blogging. You deserve another coffee.

NB: Some of the above is not nonsense, most of it is.

Remember, when in doubt ūüôā

Twisted Knee

JWTwistedSounds like a John Wayne movie…

But it isn’t, dodging Clorinha in the kitchen this morning while making coffee, I twisted my knee.

My house is full of obstacles, kitty toys. Three plastic bags, a rubberband, a twistie off the bread bag, a gnawed supermarket receipt, one sock, a pen, my shorts, the printer cable has been pulled out, an empty ink cartridge pack  and my reading glasses.

Is it any wonder I need coffees (note the plural) in the morning?

bullshit-1000-2xI got 1000 Likes on Bullshit Corner a couple of days ago. For those of you who do not know my Bullshit Corner, it’s a bit like my Nether Region, but naughtier. Nether Region tends to be more G Rated.

Remember that old 1929 song by Irving Berlin, Puttin’ on the Ritz?

Even I wasn’t around when they published that one. But here, have a laugh…

Putin on the Ritz

Putin on the Ritz

I couldn’t resist that. The moment I saw it, it had to be posted.

This is my last pot for the day, at 11am, I am doing well. My morning has involved watering the plants, helping three Gulf Fritillery caterpillars meet their demise (they eat my passion fruit vines), fed the cat, washed some dishes (not all, or I wouldn’t recognise the kitchen) and had a nap.

Equal_Justice_Under_LawI discovered an interesting fact the other day. I was always under the impression that America was a God fearing country, but I find otherwise. American law has nothing to do with religion or religious views. In fact it even the words and principal ‘Equal justice under law’ cannot be found in any Judeo-Christian scripture. A very interesting post here.

The weather today… Woke at 7am, lovely sunny day, by 7:30 it had clouded over and I had to switch the light on to see the keyboard. 9am, lovely and sunny again, 10:30 dark and gloomy, now an hour later sunny again.

I have nothing planned, so the day should be a success.

My flounder didn’t last until lunch today. I had it for dinner last night, it was quite yummy.

I’ll leave you with a thought for the day…

watercoffeepotential

Later.

 

 

Pondering

It’s a thing I do often.

So, what is pondering?

Pondering is thinking, but it is deeper than just thinking, it has ramifications.

I sometimes ponder about serious things like, What is our purpose?

But then sometimes I ponder about the more mundane, and I discovered that farts smell for the benefit of the deaf.

Or I sink into the realms of the ridiculous and I realised that turds have a tapered end to prevent sphinctus guillotinus. Can you imagine your arsehole snapping shut, it wouldcertainly send shivers throughout your very being, easily becoming confused with an orgasm. I know that having a crap is an emotional experience, it should be, but the relief afforded shouldn’t become confused with the more earth shattering experience of sex. God in his infinite wisdom created the tapered-ended turd simply to limit the eventuality of coprophilia. Yes, I know there are some who can’t tell the difference and I am glad to say that none are within my circle of friends, nor acquaintances.

Recently, ah this morning in fact, I pondered… My regular readers will realise that when I think it sends danger signals throughout the known universe. You should, by now, be aware of the same after reading the tripe above.

The reasons that the incidence of those suffering from the dire need to meddle in other peoples’ lives and become psychologists has increased exponentially in the last two decades.

Yes they have. When I was a kid you never heard about psychologists and if you actually went to one you never mentioned it; you never told a soul. But in today’s world, it’s a benchmark, a milestone, it’s chique… It’s a lot of bullshit!

Why do we send our kids to psychologists?

Because we want our kids to be normal. Horrors, normal! I tried that once and it was a disaster. Normal is boring in the extreme; and you want to condemn your kids to boredom. That’s tantamount to child abuse.

Grandfather of the iPod

Can you imagine a world full of normal people? Would we have great art if van Gogh had been normal? Would we be arguing today over CFLs in favour of incandescent lightbulbs if Thomas Alava Edison had been normal? Indeed would we have had iPods? Can you imagine if the Beatles or Elvis Presley had been normal, OMG we’d still be listening to Bing Crosby. Can you imagine if we didn’t have homosexuals because we’d straightened them all out, the world would have been deprived of geniuses in the arts and sciences.

Being not-normal is being human, but we insist on the idea, I want my kid to be rich, I want him to be a doctor, I want grandchildren.

Nobody gives a flying pig

Nobody gives a flying pig what you want; what about what the kid wants. Nobody ever thinks about what the kid wants. Maybe he doesn’t want to be rich, or a doctor, or get married – or not and have kids.

So we shunt our kids of to the child psychologist to be made normal.

The child psychologists doesn’t care if your kid becomes normal or not. What the child psychologist is concerned about is the $64,000 (average) he or she makes annually, can I buy that new SUV and have a bigger carbon footprint this week. They are the things that are important to a child psychologist.

Buy another goldfish

We have to stop all this namby-pamby bullshit. A kid has to make mistakes, a kid has to bear the good with the bad, a kid has to take the bumps and scapes of life in order to have a life. We have to stop this mentality of, “OMG the goldfish died, off to the psych!” Just get him/her another freakin’ goldfish; it’s cheaper than a psycholgist.

See, that’s what pondering is about, that’s why it’s dangerous; sometimes you see the truth in all its horrid nakedness.

The Party

Went to the party on Sunday, the folks loved my meatballs and stuffed eggs. I discovered they did have beer and there was lots of food. I got home in time for the football (soccer for our American cousins), the hallmark of a good day out.

Off to work.

Later.

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