Tag Archive: English language


Caught Short

afoulbachfrogfart-coming-russian-rouletteBelly improving. Better than yesterday.

No longer playing Russian Roulette and can fart with confidence.

Although my trip to the supermarket was an adventure. Half way down the second aisle and I knew I wasn’t going to make it to the cashier.

I reversed gear, a perfect three point turn and made a mad dash in the direction of the sanitarios, realising that I would have to pass the cashiers with unpaid goods I grabbed a security type “Look after this!” and hobbled off without waiting for an answer. I made it in time. Returned to the still stunned security guy, thanked him and explained. I’m sure he has had more weird requests.

Whipped back into the ‘drinks’ aisle and selected a bottle of wine. Whizzed through the rest buying hardly anything. Got to the deli and they finally had lard after an absence of three months; didn’t need any, bought 2kg at the other supermarket last week. The milk that was advertised on special was conspicuous by its absence. No Brie, no Camembert, bought a Brazilian cheese with holes. No ham, just presunto apresentado (shit ham pieces pressed together to make a block). I want real ham with the fat on it.

Coffee was too expensive, wait for a special. No Açucar Naturale (raw sugar), I found myself muttering… they couldn’t cause a f**k up in a brothel.

Frete (private car used like a taxi at supermarkets) home. Stacked my shopping away, fed Clorinha, had a nap and here I am.

blank-mindMind goes blank….

While I was waiting for my mind to unblank, I went to get some water and discovered that it’s dark. I had turned the light in my room on earlier and hadn’t noticed that nighttime was encroaching.

Earlier in the day, I came across an excellent post on Organic, Green and True about White vs Brown Rice, good stuff. It prompted me to try some. 20+ metres of shelving with white rice, nine lonely packets of brown rice. White rice currently runs about R$3.20/kg – organic brown rice R$7.95! I bought a pack to try, it’s a good thing my rice usage isn’t like a real Brazilian. I am, of course, expecting miracles for this princely sum, small things like age reversal, hair, new teeth, no wrinkles… I mean there should be some outward signs that the stuff is healthy for you.

An interesting kerfuffle in Britain. What should be judged as good English. The new exam includes texts from some guy testifying about drugs in parliament, Tweets and some FaceBook. The old English private school brigade are up in arms over this and say it is demeaning the language.

Grammar_Police_by_RysisNow while I am an English teacher and a fully paid up member of the grammar police. I am in favour of the language evolving.

Today’s kids need to be prepared for today’s language, not stuck in the realms of some idealistic fuddy duddy who has lost track of what the world is about classing it as rubbish and being only worried about his tenure on the planet, or more likely, parliament. While many see BBC English as being desirable, the kids of today are slipping away, they are making their own future. LOL, WTF and OMG are tomorrow’s English; whether we older folks like it or not, and the kids need to know what they mean.

Time for dinner.

Later.

 

 

A Lazy Sunday Afternoon

Not quite, the sun isn’t over the yardarm yet.

But reminded me of an oldie… Ah, nostalgia

The Small Faces from god knows when. (I discovered 1958)

Anybody remember them, just another flash in the pan*.

Congratulations on getting 10 total follows

Congratulations on getting 10 total follows

After all my grizzling about bloggers getting awardy stickery things from WordPress to mark milestones… I got one.

My new blog Some Animals are Crackers got a 10 followers one.

All is forgiven WordPress.

After my monthly phone call from my sister yesterday, during which we swapped ‘getting-a-new-kitten’ stories, she said hers was a Ragdoll Cat.

One Himalayan Ragdoll Cat

One Himalayan Ragdoll Cat, not Cloro, just an example

I have never heard of a Ragdoll Cat, so I googled it.

And, guess what? Cloro is a Ragdoll Cat, they are a species of cat (and dogs).

My pussy has a pedigree.

They are noted for their blue eyes and patches of colour on a basically white background. I just thought that Cloro’s blue eyes were a sign that she was taken from mummy too early.

I wonder in Cloro’s case, if she would not be a ‘Heralayan Ragdoll’? She is a girl after all.

I read a post on a blog complaining about copyright. This blogger had had some material brutally wrenched from her site and blog and reposted.

Personally, I don’t care if someone purloins/steals/robs/borrows my material, if it’s that good, they are welcome to it. Just goes to show that I am doing something right. But, I do like them to acknowledge the source, that makes it even better.

All these wars and things are bringing out the worst. American soldiers pissing on dead Taliban, Australians cutting hands off corpses, etc. This ‘trophy taking’ has happened throughout history. What drives man to these depths of depravity? It’s a very sad indictment on man.

Then there is the São Paulo case of the two robbers who were arrested for shooting a five yer old Bolivian boy while in his mother’s arms because he was crying too much during the robbery got themselves poisoned in jail by other inmates; to me, no great loss, but I bet the other two who are still on the run are shitting themselves.

Two flashes, one from the pan and one from the muzzle

Two flashes, one from the pan and one from the muzzle

*’flash in the pan’ ever wondered where that saying came from? The days of the old flintlock rifles.

Sometimes the powder in the pan under the frizzen would flash without setting off the main charge in the barrel, hence you just got a ‘flash in the pan’, or something of little consequence or shortlived. I have experienced this, I used to use flintlocks as part of my shooting days; it’s quite unnerving, when you brace yourself for the recoil and you just get a ‘whoosh’ and no ‘bang’.

chat-room

A communal shat room

While waxing on the etymological. Brazilians are bad for determining the difference between ‘ch’ and ‘sh’ in English.

There is a TV ad at the moment that talks about Chat Rooms and they say ” We love, we share, we shat“… what, we shat yesterday? I explain to my students how ridiculous that sounds to a native speaker who understands ‘shat’ to be the colloquial past of the verb ‘to shit’.

Teaching and understanding your language can bring many interesting moments.

I think this is a First

9am, and I finished blogging half an hour ago, just here needs a patch. Despite my being a little stewed after yesterday afternoon’s excesses, I managed a full blog-load before midnight. Didn’t I do well? <—– Rhetorical question

awakeupcoffeeI’ve had lots of coffee, and now it’s time for the toast and muffins.

Once again, nothing planned, I should be successful. Although I may/may not go to the supermarket; after yesterday’s binge, eating is not a priority. I can make do with what’s at hand.

I will peer into the fridge later and surprise myself.

I see Prince William and Kate’s baby is imminently due. Apparently the Royal sprog is going to be a boon for British retailers to the order of £250 million, that’s a lot of pounds. David Cameron should be considering a law to keep the Royals pregnant as a boost to the British economy. The Rogering for England Act should become law. Shows how stupid politicians are, that they haven’t thought of this little money spinner before.

A Happy Pussy

A Happy Pussy

Pit Stop… Off to the bog to contemplate life from the throne and give Lixo his morning scratch.

I will return with coffee.

This is called ‘multitasking’, three desired results at the same time; relief, coffee and a happy pussy.

I have discovered the secret of life. It’s somewhat philosophical, I tend to dive into the gene pool occasionally and find pearls of wisdom. One of which I will share with you on this beautiful sunny  Saturday morning. It would be churlish indeed to keep such discoveries to myself.

Have you ever wondered what the plural of ‘bacteria’ is. Of course Americans would say bacterias, but, as usual, they would be wrong. Bacteria is the plural, the singular is bacterium, but when was the last time you needed to speak about one bacterium, they travel in groups so we usually refer to them in the plural.

As my students have noted, I am full of useless information.

Let’s explore the English language a bit further. It’s a strange language.

 

english-true-words

There, didn’t I tell you it was strange…

With that to ponder, I shall leave you and proceed on my doing nothing for the rest of the day.

Later.

 

Sunday Travel Tales

Time for the truth.

BookCovModRedStrawberry Jam, Bread Rolls and Pisco Sours was a story written by me for an English language grammar book.

It was a project that I began in 2003, but lost the file through a crook HD. I duly recovered the file and almost finished the job, when a second HD crash caused its loss again.

I recovered it for a second time, but sadly it was an uncorrected version and while I have been posting chapters for your edification and entertainment, I have also been using the exercise to correct the grammar errors, sort of proof reading.

While the story has been written in the first person with me as a tourist and all the adventures related did happen, but they were not all the product of one trip.

You see, I was a tourist guide, and I did the trip many times with tourists from all over the world. I just added all the juicy bits into one story about one trip. I left out the grammar for you, it’s heavy grammar, and I didn’t want to check your homework.

The last chapter is rather mundane, about the flight to Lima from Puerto Maldonado and the end of the trip. Yes, our arrival at the same hotel we departed from, we were met with the customary pisco sours.

At the end of each 21-day trip, I got seven days off before the next one. I would usually spend my time and go down to Pisco or Nazca and relax by the beach or the pool for five days drinking beer, not wanting to see another pisco sour.

Now, I must go back through my posts, because I am not so sure that I included the first two chapters; if I didn’t then I will post them over the next couple of weeks.

Are we Doomed?

TGIF

I have successfully made it through another week, albeit a short one. The arrival of Friday is always a milestone.

Last night was another Dead Cow occasion. Halfway through my lesson last night, I had a stroke of genius and decided that a second Dead Cow event this week wouldn’t go amiss.

They’ve changed presenters a couple of times since this one

The only point that marred the occasion was that they had the TV on a programme called Cidade Alerta (Alert City) requested by the next table before my arrival. It is the pits of a news programme, banality at its worst. Last night their main topic as the Brazilian goalie, Bruno (sadly of Flamengo fame), and the court case surrounding the kidnapping and subsequent murder of his ex-girlfriend over a paternity matter. Now the murder was a couple of years ago, and every so often the news breaks out in spots over it. But, it has reached a jury at last, so the rash of reporting is greater than just an outbreak in spots. Cidade Alerta raves on and on, repeating itself, repeating the same images time and time again ad nauseum for a couple of hours. Boring af!

They finally turned on the other TV to the regular news channel. I requested a move of tables so that I could watch it. No sooner than I was installed at the new table, the other TV was switched over…. Aaarrrggghhhh!

‘Boring af’, have you figured that one out yet?

It’s a Twitter abbreviation.

I have just read an article on BBC News about the future of the English language and it makes me wonder if we are indeed doomed.

Things like IMO, or more formally IMHO, meaning In My (Humble) Opinion, or emoticons, 😉

Is it already too late?

Are these now already an irrevocable part of the English language?

Will they appear in dictionaries?

WTF do you put a yellow ball in the alphabet? (Where, as opposed to What)

As a teacher of advanced English I am not ready for this, although I am guilty of having used them on occasions.

As a result of Twitter and all the other banal forms of social media, are we seeing the destruction of English?

Sitting on a Brazilian bus in Rio de Janeiro, high school kids across the aisle were laughing at a joke and one actually said “LOL” in place of laughing. LOL is now in Portuguese, so it’s not just English that is changing. The ability to communicate is hemorrhaging.

Black Friday hits Brazil with a vengeance

Another American import is this year intruding into the lives of Brazilians. Black Friday, you know that insanity after Thanksgiving. Last night on TV chain stores, airlines, Chevrolet were all offering Black Friday specials.

Some stores had ‘Red Friday’ or ‘Dark Friday’.

I am suspecting that in an hour I will see the induced madness on the news. The stores were opening at 10pm last night, advertising 26 hours.

And… we don’t even have Thanksgiving!

We don’t need this shit!

Brazilians are already broke, the inadimplência (failing to pay your credit card) is already at record levels, but the government is pushing Brazilians to buy, buy, buy to keep the economy moving.

I finally got my credit card paid off and cancelled it. Credit is a fools game. But on TV, in the shops, all advertising shows the price of buying on credit, the price of the installments with the cash price in little bitty letters, so small that on TV they are unreadable.

Then Brazilians wonder what went wrong when they can’t pay; they treat the installment price as thought it were the cash price.

Lovely sunny day out there, light breeze, inside… wonderful Brazilian coffee and my Rubbish (Lixo, my cat) is asleep on the sofa.

Lessons tonight at 4pm, home at 9pm which is my designated beer o’clock.

Later.

I am humbled

I got an award.

I am late getting this organised because the email advising me that this was about to happen got buried; for that I apologise.

Thanks to Lily Wight of Lilly Wight –  The Arcade of Arts and Arcana.

Now there are some beastly things I have to do, there always is when you are nominated for one of these.

Take the easy way out ctrl-c, ctrl-v

Award etiquette can be needlessly complicated so here are my refined, abridged and preferred Blog Award Rules.

     1.  Display the award certificate on your website.

     2.  Announce your win with a post and include a link to whoever presented your award.

     3.  Present 7 awards to deserving bloggers.  Create a post linking to them and drop them a comment to tip them off.

     4.  Post 7 interesting facts about yourself.” – Lily Wight

On with the beastliness…

No. 1 – Done

No. 2 – Done

No. 3 – I used to do this religiously, but have stopped; why? Because the last few times I have lumbered honoured people in this way, they have failed miserably, and I might add 100%, to reciprocate, so I don’t any more. However, if your blog is linked on any of mine, you deserve this award, take it.

No. 4 – Hmmmm….

:: 1 – Where most people have ‘been there, done that’ and proudly have the T-shirt to display, I have no T-shirt, but my 61 years tells the story; I have ‘been there, done that.’

:: 2 – At school I hated English, it was a bore, so was the teacher; subsequently I failed English. It wasn’t until 2000 that I learned my language, and have since turned my knowledge into a hobby that I teach with a lot more enthusiasm and passion than my own English teacher. Check out this post on Tomus Arcanum and you will see a little of what I think of my mother tongue.

:: 3 – I’m a chef, apparently. I love food and it’s preparation. I am also partial to the tasting. You can check that out on the About on my Things that Fizz & Stuff blog.

:: 4 – I hate violence in all it’s forms. I am convinced that increases in the levels of violence in society are directly attributable to ‘sports’ on TV. Boxing, Combat, these programmes should be banned, they are nothing more than pathetic barbaric displays of man’s darker side.

:: 5 – I don’t use drugs, although I enjoy beer, coffee is essential, I even resort to tea and I smoke. I am talking about the futility of the ‘war on drugs’ drugs. 50+ years and the fools haven’t learned that the use of these banned substances is a sickness, not a crime. I am all for the decriminalisation of all drugs, which of course removes the criminal elements from the supply chain.

:: 6 – I have become by nature a hermit. Not the traditional view where I live in a cave in the woods, but the more I see of people, the more I prefer my own company. I don’t suffer fools gladly.

:: 7 – I am still seeking answers, not all my questions have been answered yet. I consider the day wasted if I don’t learn something new.

There, got to No. 7.

Now it’s your turn.

LOL cat talking in ‘capshuns’

This is something that I have often wondered.

Self doubt is a terrible affliction.

I talk to my cats in ‘capshuns’; is that enough proof. Am I the only person who does this? It’s worrying.

It’s worrying because I am a stickler for correct English, it’s one of the problems of being a teacher of the language, a prerequisite, if you like.

But I must admit that I do get a certain perverse pleasure from butchering the language for fun. I do silly things like make regular verbs irregular (arrive, arrove, arriven) and vice versa; or try going a whole day without conjugating the verb ‘to be’, as in I be happy today. In some cases, it actually makes sense, makes the language simpler.

Have a read of this and you will see part of the problem that makes English so hard to learn, besides its system of verbs being easier,it’s just… just so irregular.

The chaos

A poem on English pronunciation

Charivarius, (G.N. Trenite: 1870–1946).

Dearest creature in creation,
Studying English pronunciation,
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.
It will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
Tear in eye your dress you’ll tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer:
Pray console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it.
Just compare heart, beard and heard,
Dies and diet, Lord and word.
Sword and sward, retain and Britain,
(Mind the latter, how it’s written).
Made has not the sound of bade,
Say–said, pay–paid, laid, but plaid.
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
But be careful how you speak:
Say break, steak, but bleak and streak,
Previous, precious; fuschia, via;
Pipe, shipe, recipe and choir;
Cloven, oven; how and low;
Script, receipt; shoe, poem, toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery;
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore;
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles;
Exiles, similes, reviles;
Wholly, holly; signal, signing;
Thames, examining, combining;
Scholar, vicar and cigar,
Solar, mica, war, and far.
Desire–desirable, admirable–admire;
Lumber, plumber; bier but brier;
Chatham, brougham; renown but known,
Knowledge; done, but gone and tone,
One, anemone; Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen; laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German; wind and mind;
Scene, Melpomene, mankind;
Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather.
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross; brook, brooch; ninth, plinth.
Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet;
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which is said to rime with darky.
Viscous, viscount; load and broad;
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s O.K.
When you say correctly; croquet;
Rounded, wounded; grieve and sieve;
Friend and fiend, alive and live,
Liberty, library; heave and heaven;
Rachel, ache, moustache; eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed;
People, leopard; towed, but vowed.
Mark the difference moreover
Between mover, plover, Dover;
Leeches, breeches; wise, precise;
Chalice, but police and lice.
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, discipline, label;
Petal, penal and canal;
Wait, surmise, plait, promise; pal.
Suit, suite, ruin; circuit, conduit,
Rime with: “shirk it” and “beyond it”;
But it is not hard to tell
Why it’s pall, mall, but PallMall.
Muscle, muscular; goal and iron;
Timber, climber; bullion and lion;
Worm and storm; chaise, chaos, chair;
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Ivy, privy; famous; clamour,
And enamour rime with “hammer”.
Pussy, hussy and possess,
Desert, but dessert, address.
Golf, wolf; countenants; lieutenants
Hoist, in lieu of flags, left pennants.
River, rival; tomb, bomb, comb;
Doll and roll, and some and home.
Stranger does not rime with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Soul, but foul; and gaunt, but aunt;
Font, front, won’t; want, grand and grant;
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then; singer, ginger, linger.
Real, zeal; mauve, gauze and gauge;
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age.
Query does not rime with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post; and doth, cloth, loth;
Job, Job; blossom, bosom, oath.
Though the difference seems little
We say actual, but victual;
Seat, sweat; chaste, caste; Leigh, eight, height;
Put, nut; granite but unite.
Reefer does not rime with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Dull, bull; Geoffrey, George; ate, late;
Hint, pint; senate, but sedate.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific;
Science, conscience, scientific.
Tour, but our, and succour, four;
Gas, alas and Arkansas!
Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern; cleanse and clean;
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian.
Dandelion with battalion,
Sally with ally, Yea, Ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
Never guess–it is not safe;
We say calves, valves; half, but Ralf.
Heron, granary, canary;
Crevice and device and eyrie;
Face, preface, but efface,
Phlegm, phlegmatic; ass, glass, bass;
Large, but target, gin, give, verging;
Ought, out, joust and scour, but scourging;
Ear, but earn; and wear and tear
Do not rime with “here” but “ere”.
Seven is right, but so is even;
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen;
Monkey, donkey; clerk and jerk;
Asp, grasp, wasp; and cork and work.
Pronunciation–think of psyche–
Is a paling, stout and spikey;
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
writing groats and saying “groats”?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel,
Strewn with stones, like rowlock, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Don’t you think so, reader, rather
Saying lather, bather, father?
Finally: which rimes with “enough”,
Though, through, plough, cough, hough or tough?
Hiccough has the sound of “cup”,
My advice is … give it up!

See what I mean?

Now on with the day. Brazilian… Love them, but they have a terrible problem. Brazilians need to know everything. For example a simple road accident report in a western newspaper might take a couple of column-inches; here a whole full page spread covers the same accident in almost indecent intimate minute detail.

Here’s a case in point.

Pedro Leonardo – Singer and heart throb

The story so far: 32 days ago a young singer Pedro, son of one of Brazil’s famous sertaneja (country & western) crooners, Leonardo, had a car accident in Goias. After a gig in the north of the country he decided to drive home alone, against his father’s advice. The result was, he fell asleep at the wheel and rolled the car. He broke a leg and had some head injuries and was rushed to hospital and they induced a coma and later transfered him to a major hospital in São Paulo, where he had a couple of cardiac arrests.

The kid was in bad shape. Now I have nothing against the young man, he’s about 20, clean cut and the girls love him. I can’t castigate him for rolling the car either; I did the same to my Dad’s car at 16.

But, every day there have been reports in the papers, big spreads, double page in some cases. Every news bulletin on TV carries the news. There has been no let up. Doctors, hospital workers, relatives, father, fans giving televised interviews in front of the hospital. The news, ‘he flinched,’ ‘he’s breathing on his own,’ ‘he turned in bed,’ ‘he reacted to stimulus.’ It has all been news.

Yesterday, the fervor began again. ‘He’s out of the coma,’ ‘he spoke,’ he recognised some songs,’ ‘he talked to his father.’ His father heard about the news during a show up north. He then interrupted his repertoire to give the audience a blow by blow reporting of his son coming out of the coma. The fans just lapped it up.

But already today, both news slots, devoted more than the average news item to the miracle. Of course, it’s all ‘graças a Deus’ (Thank God), ah, I don’t think anyone has said thanks to the doctors yet, not publicly anyway, that wouldn’t be newsworthy.

Maybe I’m just jealous that I didn’t get this coverage when I rolled Dad’s car. Quite frankly, I’m glad I didn’t. I didn’t want the world to know what a fool I had been.

See, maybe I am crazy…

Later.

Vacuum

In my head today

Vacuum, one of those strange words in English that has a double ‘u’.

What are the others, how many are there?

anuum, continuum, duumvir, menstruum, muumuu, residuum, triduum, intermenstruum, semicontinuum, smectymnuus, perpetuum, praecipuum, individuum, duumvirate, zuurveldt, sadalsuud, duumviral, lituus, obliquus, equuleus, squush(y), carduus, mutuum, weltanschauung.

Weird, huh?

Even worse, is that some of them have third person forms, plurals, etc.

See that’s the hard part about being an English teacher and language consultant, your head gets full of useless crap. Sometimes it’s useful, sometimes not.

All over, bar the shouting

Yes, here we are again. It’s Christmas Eve. In most Protestant countries Christmas Eve is merely the last chance to go shopping.

Ceia de natal, Brazilian style

But here in Brazil, being predominantly Catholic, they have a ceia de natal (traditional dinner) which I read is 12% more expensive this year and party at midnight whereas I am used to the celebration starting at 5am or thereabouts on Christmas morning with present opening and feverish activity until lunch and relatives arriving and of course more presents, including Aunt Louie’s annual handkerchief, I don’t think that woman had an ounce of imagination, but I had a good collection of handkerchiefs.

I have no plans for today. I have not been invited to participate in any of the festivities. Christmas Eve will be business as usual for me, although I will resort to a whisky or two with friends at the botequim (neighbourhood bar).

Brazilian cigarras (cicadas)

The day promises to be hot. Yesterday was hot, it got to 38⁰C and as the cicadas were making their shrill chirping last night in the trees around the praça it promises to be even hotter today.

My ravioli left over leftovers from yesterday were just fine, there were no added furry bits growing on them, so there was no waste. I chose to have them with some cheap plonk. It was indeed cheap, and it was indeed plonk; I got what I paid for. Serves my scroogish self right. It was a pessago (peach) cooler; a good half the chilled brew was duly donated to Denise, one of my neighbours, who arrived home hot and flustered after last minute Christmas shopping; call it a flourish of the Christmas spirit. She appreciated it because it was direct from the freezer and I know from past experience that she enjoys that kind of drink.

Now a note on English as a language… this has been around for a long time, but it’s always worth a reprint.

English Language

-The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
-As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
-In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
-There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
-In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
-By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ets oza.
-Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
-If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl…..

The Americans are already well on the way to butchering the language, so this is a real possibility.

I will wish you all the best for the festive season. Political correctness behooves that I don’t use the secular Merry Christmas because I am offending Muslims and Jews. There’s never anything said, however, when Jews have a Merry (or whatever) Hanukka, my sensibilities don’t count.

All this excreta has gone too far and one day it will hit the oscillating cooling device.

I don’t give a monkey’s toss; have a Merry ‘whatever-you’re-having’!

More English than you ever wanted

Yesterday, I gave you a diatripe, ah… diatribe, nah, right the first time, about English. Just browsing around I found these… Enjoy

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