Tag Archive: Nutella


5 Must do Blogging Tips

Once again, I have visited a blog that espouses ‘blogging tips’.

There are thousands, nay probably millions, of blogs and blogs with posts about blogging tips. And, the surprising this is they ll seem to get plenty of readers, likes and follows.

I can’t see why I shouldn’t join the madding crowd.

And I look forward to having lots of wonderful comments, visitors and likes too.

Five Tips to Ensure your Blogivity.

Blogging Tip #1

coffee-cigarettes_00387047Coffee, one cannot blog or write descent material without having decent coffee at hand. Coffee and the by necessity cigarette are essential blogging tools. If your posts lack that essential caffeine hint, then sadly your blog will fail.

The coffee needs to be real coffee; instant or Starbucks will not cut the mustard and will result in mediocre posts.

catswim

A pussy is a must, if it’s a wet pussy, so much the better

Blogging Tip #2

Pussy!

You’re blog must have the quintessential cat.

It may be your cat, it can be a LOL Cat, all the better.

It can even be a scraggy moggy found while trolling the blogosphere.

The cat may be neurotic, or one offering philosophical advice; but the bottom line is it must have a cat.

A giant duck has nothing to do with this post

A giant duck has nothing to do with this post

Blogging Tip #3

Whatever your post is about, there must be an image of some description.

Blog posts that are just text are boring.

The image may/may not be related to the post, but it must be linked in some way.

Images should be spaced alternatively, or people will think you are just taking the mickey.

If you don’t have an image, people may think you are quackers or the type of person who plays with a rubber ducky in the bath, which, by the way proves that you are quackers.

A fairy in a jar, is often helpful, if you can find one at the bottom of the garden

A fairy in a jar, is often helpful, if you can find one at the bottom of the garden

Blogging Tip #4

Know your audience, target your posts to your audience. Once you have got a visitor you must keep them captured, enraptured and literally trussed up in what you have to say, or indeed not say.

You don’t have to be as charismatic as that Biblical fellow, but he does have a lot of followers (he must have good SEO).

But once you’ve captured your audience, you have to give them something worthwhile, or not, to keep them entranced.

A sure-fire way to keep your audience, is post regularly and often. And write your posts ‘off the cuff’; don’t plan them. Planned posts often come across as bullshit and the world has enough of that already.

Don’t forget to communicate; if your visitor leaves a comment, acknowledge it, appreciate it, thank them. If you can’t think of anything to say, just 🙂

Rather sterile, but it may work

Rather sterile, but it may work

Blogging Tip # 5

SEO – you must know your SEO. Sex, Enigma and One can of inspiration. If you are not inspired, your readers will know. Therefore you keep them spell-bound with sex and the extraordinary. That other stuff about search engines not finding your material is superfluous. If you have Sex, Enigma and One can of inspiration,  you will be found.

Some people prefer to have an inspiration key fitted to their keyboard. That’s all very well, but it doesn’t give the same gratification as opening a can and dipping your finger in; it’s a bit like that Nutella feeling, gooey but nice.

Every bloggers' dream

Every bloggers’ dream

Blogging Tip #6

Be inconsistent, eclectic, keep people guessing.

Tell them one thing and do another, like have a sixth blogging tip when you promised five.

Don’t just dream to be out for lunch, go the whole hog and go viral.

Summary

My pearls maybe wisdom, maybe not, you may get more readers, maybe not, but you will have the satisfaction of blogging. You deserve another coffee.

NB: Some of the above is not nonsense, most of it is.

Remember, when in doubt 🙂

A Little Trollop

My little trollop

My little trollop

Yes, she’s a little trollop.

She went to sleep in the carport, that’s not unusual, but she normally comes inside and sleeps on the bed.

Last night at 1am, I noticed she hadn’t come in.

Took me sometime to find her. She was over the road in the park. I took her home and closed the window, but she wanted out again. I waited up until 3am for her to come in. How many fathers have suffered the angst of their daughter being out later than she should? We fathers are at a distinct disadvantage; we don’t understand the girls at school, we don’t understand the woman we marry and then we don’t understand our daughters.

She finally turned up in time for breakfast at 6am.

Errant kitten, or should I say grandkitten, as she is Cloro’s daughter.

nutshit

Nutshit

Amazing news! Nutella is 50 years old. Posted about the Nutella story on Tomus today.

I have never tried the stuff, I find the mere thought nauseating.

Disturbing that kids are allowed it for breakfast.

How to encourage your kids to crave sweet shit.

Talk about parenting gone bad.

Most of us are aware that smoking and drinking alcohol can cause throat cancer, but I read today that it can also be caused by oral sex. The fun side of life is being quickly eroded, soon we won’t even be able to get out of bed without some life-threatening condition befalling us. (Ah, no image for this tidbit)

This is just the thigh bone

This is just the thigh bone

Dinosaurs are getting bigger. In Argentina they have unearthed a new bigger dinosaur than the previously found Argentinosaurus.

Estimated to be the height of a seven-story building.

Another recent discovery, octopi will cling to anything with its suckers except octopus skin. That explains why they don’t get all tangled up.

My DHL package arrived in São Paulo during the night. But although they say it’s left there for Rio, I am concerned. DHL class São Paulo as being ‘north’ Brazil, it’s in the southeast. I wonder if they actually know where Rio is?

Clorinha has discovered the delights of my neighbour’s car. It’s just like an adventure playground.

Time to blog along.

Later.

 

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