Tag Archive: sex


Sorry, I have a headache

headacheNo, there was no suggestion of sex…

No, I didn’t drink too much yesterday…

I have been thinking too long about too much on not enough caffiene.

I have been posting sporadically since 1am, between naps; you couldn’t call them sleeps.

I lived with that old story “Sorry, I have a headache” for so long during my marriage, that finally I took a glass of water and two aspirin to the bedroom where my wife was reading in bed. “What are they for?” she asked. “They’re for your headache,” I replied. “I don’t have a head….!” She never finished that sentence.

Gotcha!

There was nowhere in her list of feminine wiles that she could squirm out of that one.

grammar-vaderNow I’m going to put my Grammar Nazi cap on. Look at that meme above, it was obviously made by an American. How can I tell? They’ve used the vowel sound form of the indefinite article ‘an’ for headache.

Americans have this habit of using ‘an’ for all ‘h’ words.

Totally wrong!

The ‘an’ form is only used when the ‘h’ word has a silent ‘h’ and the first sound is that of a vowel. An hour, for example, or an honour; but a hotel or a headache.

g+I clicked on a link in a blog today. It was a blog that I have visited often, so it was trusted and I discovered, horror of horrors, that I have a Google+ account. How the f*#k did I get that? I have purposely stayed away from Google+, as I try to do with most Google products, because I don’t trust them! I am more than a little miffed about this because it means that Google can control what platforms I use. I told you, they are not to be trusted!

An interesting phenomenon. Every MSM (mainstream media) source tells us that the economy is doing great, we are out of the recession, unemployment is down, shares are up, we’ve got cheap oil, etc. The news is almost rosy. But when I visit reports and articles written by independent specialists, economists and the like, they say the exact opposite; that the economy is NOT doing so great, unemployment is down because they’ve cooked the figures, that 2015 could see the beginning of the end for the global economy, that the government’s money printing, the bank’s derivatives and Wall Street open slather policies are all one big Ponzi scheme and that the house of cards is so big that it could fall at any moment. The cheap oil could well be the trigger….

Watch this space!

Netanyahu is spewing. The Palestinians are trying to join the International Criminal Court. Which means that Palestine would be able to pursue war criminals. Now if Netanyahu had a clear conscience over Israeli actions, why would that bother him? Good question!

“Most types of cancer can simply be put down to bad luck rather than risk factors such as smoking, a study suggests.”BBCNews. Once again, it appears that everything we are told and accept as gospel needs to be questioned.

Silly Box: I was going to put Tony Idiott here, simply because he is.

But then I found this… Constipated goldfish  A goldfish lover from Norfolk paid hundreds of pounds in vets’ fees when his pet became constipated. – BBCNews A big pet like a horse, I can understand, a dog or a cat, I can understand; but a goldfish? Or am I just an insensitve clod? <—– Hypotheticl question, doesn’t really need an answer.

Yesterday reached its very-bloody-hotºC, and we have been promised hotter than that today. The sun is already very strong and I have to go and water the plants.

I also have to do the dishes, make more coffee, take something out of the freezer for eating purposes and take a dump (for which I’ll spare you the details).

Later.

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90% and feeling stroppy

funny-coffee-posterYes, well on the way to ‘better’.

Not 100%, nose still stuffy, cough gone, no sore throat, sneezing fits stopped consequentially bowel gases back under control.

I’ve been out and watered the plants, oh, it’s been an exciting morning. I’ve even done half the dishes. A new lease on life.

Back on coffee! Wonderful, deliriously wonderful coffee. Drank enough tea in the past couple of days to pay of the Sri Lankan national debt.

Sunny day today, still some ominous clouds around, but probably like yesterday, they’ll disappear.

Nothing planned until classes.

Just going to enjoy the day.

Headline news: Charles Manson is going to get married. That’s nice, but who gives a shit? That’s NOT headline news.

David Cameron said the world is heading for another global economic collapse… Hell, we’re still falling into the last one. What he really means is we’re going to fall even deeper.

I was surprised to read that 10% of British men pay for sex. I got married once, paid for sex for the next 20 years… was still paying 10 years after the divorce.

Marriage is just a nice way of saying ‘pay for sex’.

The whole sex issue is wrong. Woman love, men lust; it’s just the nature of things and it’s not about to change. It would be nice if it did change, but I can’t see it. At least it won’t in my lifetime.

Japanese science in a can

Japanese science in a can

Japan has revised the tally of Antarctic whales to be hunted this season. 333 down from 900+. My question is why 333, why not 330, or 300? What is another 33 whales? I guess that’s a big deal when you consider that their ‘scientific’ whale harvest finishes up on Japanese tables.

Silly Box: Putin is saying the west started on the cold war path. Funny, I don’t remember the west invading Crimea, or causing the problems in Ukraine, or supplying the means of downing the Malaysian airliner…

Still in the Silly Box: Female police recruits in Indonesia have to submit to a “two-finger” virginity test… WTF has virginity got to do with the ability to be a policewoman? Do males have to suffer the same indignity? Maybe there is an opening for a proctologist there… ah, pun… uninteneded, but appropriate.

Look at all that ivory… image: The Guardian

Cloning mammoths is in the news again.

Why clone mammoths, we can’t even look after the elephants that we’ve got.

Oh, but think of all that ivory, mammoths have such lovely big tusks.

A car that runs a million miles on 8 grams of thorium… Nah, the oil compnies wouldn’t like that.

There, that’s about it for the day.

Sorry about the posts of the last couple of days, they were a bit crappy, just like I felt.

Later.

Totally Screwed

Screwed in so many ways

Screwed in so many ways

Of course, it’s Monday, one should expect it.

I found out this morning that today is Dia de comércio (Business Day), not last Monday as I thought.

After needing to go to the supermarket since Friday, I procrastinated; Saturday, I procrastinated again, and again yesterday. When the situation finally got desperate and I resolved to go today, my neighbour informs me that the supermarket is closed for the business holiday.

So, it looks like tomorrow.

I needed bread, the breadman didn’t pass, I went to the bar in the next street to get bread. I’m out of fizzy water. I now have bread, I have little else.

Lits List of things to do today…

Get fizzy water.

Change the wall clock.

Take something to eat out of the freezer.

The dishes.

Learn how to spell!

Go back to bed and start the day over.

Monday, it could only happen on a Monday!

I managed to get fizzy water at the botequim. I was surprised he was open, when I enquired why, he said I’m not a business, I’m a social service…. True, true.

Lunch will happen. I’ve just prised a small pack of thin steak from the freezer drawer where it had cemented itself in ice during the last defrost. So weinerschnitzel is on the menu. I won’t starve.

We got a little rain overnight. Not much, but it has perked the bushes up, they were looking rather sad. But the storms promised for today have yet to manifest.

LonglivescotlandSex, we all know about sex. But have you ever wondered when did sex start?

No? Me neither. That is until I saw the answer this morning. The Scots invented sex; even though they weren’t flying the flag of St Andrew at the time.

Apparently, sex began in a Scottish lake 385,000,000 years ago. So when they say sex is as old as the hills, they’re damned near right.

You can read about it on the Tomus post this morning.

Australia is in the silly box today. Abbott’s policy of ‘fossil fuels are good for humanity’ is back firing. Many businesses and institutions are divesting themselves of investments in companies that rely on fossil fuels in a collective demonstration that Australians care about the environment even if he doesn’t, or is too stupid to care. Personally, I think the latter.

The sky has clouded over; a bit like my mind at the moment. And there is a little wind; a bit like my…. oh never mind. Maybe we will get the stormy weather later.

I shall go and watch the clouds from the veranda of the botequim.

Later.

Any Port in a Storm

Porto Réccua TawnyIn fact, mine was an Porto Réccua Tawny port

So it wasn’t just any port.

I don’t often drink at home, but sometimes just feel like an evening tipple.

Yesterday was the last day of September, the spring has spung, the grass has riz, I wonder where the birdies is? – often said by my mother.

1st October, a pinch and a punch for the first of the month, as one of my comments reminded me on ysterday’s post.

A pinch and a punch for the first of the month… Where did that come from? We said it often as kids with a literal pinch, and, quite often, a harder than necessary punch to the arm of our victim.

Silver-Snuff-Box-1887

Silver-Snuff-Box-1887

In the olden days, when one visited the house of gentry on the first of the month, one was offered a pinch of snuff and a glass of punch.

So all that physical pain is/was unnecessary.

 A couple of days ago I mentioned the impending launch of Windows 9. The report came from a news item from The Press, a New Zealand newspaper. The report subsequently disappered amid my speculation that it too would fail like its predecessors, Vista, 7 & 8.

It appears as though I was right, yesterday, I read about the launch of Windows 10, no less.

I still maintain my stance that until they return to XP, nothing will ever be comparable. I am but a humble user, why can’t these high salaried CEOs and shit see what I see?

reparacionordenador

This is how I see Windows Vista, 7 & 8

Windows versions since XP are like bullshit PC repairs; covered in duct tape trying to hold together.

Each new version people get sucked in, “this time we’ve got it right.” And, they haven’t.

China for example has refused to install any version other than XP in government PCs and Laptops. If the Chinese see it that way, there must be something to it.

Windows 10 will be no better.

On-line dating. What a load of codswallop. I would/have never contemplate resorting to the internet for the purposes of finding a partner. If I can’t find one in the real world, then I’d prefer to give up. Even before the advent of the internet, dating agencies, to me, were just a crock o’ shit.

Ebola! Everybody poo pooed the idea of ebola reaching the US, or anywhere outside Africa. The first case has appeared in Texas. A man returning from Liberia, began to suffer the symptoms; two days later he sought help, it was then a further two days before he was interned. Four days… how many people did he infect in those four days? Well find out soon enough. Deaths have risen above the 3,000 mark in Africa, it is spreading further and faster.

The day is dull and cool. The weatherman got it wrong again for yesterday; it didn’t reach the expected high and we got a little rain in the evening, right when I left home for work. It was gone by the time I returned.

Day off today, plenty of time at the wheel. Posts are planned, as is Nap-fu practice.

Lunch will be rump steak schnitzel, with whatever I feel like doing at the time. I am thinking mashed parsley potatoes, and mustard sauce… and a beverage. I think it would have to be something classier than beer.

New record, a recent post Muggy clicked over to 22 likes, and there was no sex involved. It was about my underpants, Japanese whaling and Scots independence… go figure.

I must blog along. This is four down, five to go.

Later.

Blownaparte

Botejão

Botejão

Yes, I nearly was…

The gas bottle ran out this morning, fortunately not while I was making coffee, but rather heating water to softening some plastic hose to join for the garden. If it had failed while making coffee, that would have been an unmitigated disaster.

I had to change the gas before lunch… which is on the go. Had trouble sealing the new gas bottle, can you imagine the bang of 13kgs of gas?

Me neither, and I don’t particularly want to find out!

*Pause*

Lunch and beer o’clock…

Lunch curried beef on rice. Enough left over to make curry rolls tomorrow.

Reading  new blog from an older blogger today. I had to laugh.

List of things to do:

4. Sex in German – ja, ja, oh mein Gott, schneller, schneller, ja, ja, das ist ausgezeichnet… what a sexy language.

5. Learning German so that I can understand what’s going on during the sex.

She was Expat Eye on Latvia, but now Expat Eye on Germany.

General Toyplasma Gondii

General Toxyplasma Gondii

A while ago I wrote about Toxoplasma gondii, it’s a bacteria that many people have caught from cats, up to 60% of the population. Turns out that this bacteria loves to eat cancer cells.

Oh, I hope I’ve got this bacteria.

Looks like we should all be wallowing in the kitty litter… better than chemotherapy, and much cheaper.

Not sure if many of you know, that some of the memes that I post, particularly on this blog, are my own work. Or is it that bad you can tell?

I see an idea and get an urge to open CorelDraw and make my own idea, or interpretation.

For me they are fun. To poke fun at anyone and anything is the spice of life.

Now that I have washed the dishes, cooked, eaten and has ome beer, I feel an intense urge for some Nap-fu practice.

It’s Sunday, after all. Football in one hour fifty minutes… yes, Nap-fu should kill that easily.

Later.

5 Must do Blogging Tips

Once again, I have visited a blog that espouses ‘blogging tips’.

There are thousands, nay probably millions, of blogs and blogs with posts about blogging tips. And, the surprising this is they ll seem to get plenty of readers, likes and follows.

I can’t see why I shouldn’t join the madding crowd.

And I look forward to having lots of wonderful comments, visitors and likes too.

Five Tips to Ensure your Blogivity.

Blogging Tip #1

coffee-cigarettes_00387047Coffee, one cannot blog or write descent material without having decent coffee at hand. Coffee and the by necessity cigarette are essential blogging tools. If your posts lack that essential caffeine hint, then sadly your blog will fail.

The coffee needs to be real coffee; instant or Starbucks will not cut the mustard and will result in mediocre posts.

catswim

A pussy is a must, if it’s a wet pussy, so much the better

Blogging Tip #2

Pussy!

You’re blog must have the quintessential cat.

It may be your cat, it can be a LOL Cat, all the better.

It can even be a scraggy moggy found while trolling the blogosphere.

The cat may be neurotic, or one offering philosophical advice; but the bottom line is it must have a cat.

A giant duck has nothing to do with this post

A giant duck has nothing to do with this post

Blogging Tip #3

Whatever your post is about, there must be an image of some description.

Blog posts that are just text are boring.

The image may/may not be related to the post, but it must be linked in some way.

Images should be spaced alternatively, or people will think you are just taking the mickey.

If you don’t have an image, people may think you are quackers or the type of person who plays with a rubber ducky in the bath, which, by the way proves that you are quackers.

A fairy in a jar, is often helpful, if you can find one at the bottom of the garden

A fairy in a jar, is often helpful, if you can find one at the bottom of the garden

Blogging Tip #4

Know your audience, target your posts to your audience. Once you have got a visitor you must keep them captured, enraptured and literally trussed up in what you have to say, or indeed not say.

You don’t have to be as charismatic as that Biblical fellow, but he does have a lot of followers (he must have good SEO).

But once you’ve captured your audience, you have to give them something worthwhile, or not, to keep them entranced.

A sure-fire way to keep your audience, is post regularly and often. And write your posts ‘off the cuff’; don’t plan them. Planned posts often come across as bullshit and the world has enough of that already.

Don’t forget to communicate; if your visitor leaves a comment, acknowledge it, appreciate it, thank them. If you can’t think of anything to say, just 🙂

Rather sterile, but it may work

Rather sterile, but it may work

Blogging Tip # 5

SEO – you must know your SEO. Sex, Enigma and One can of inspiration. If you are not inspired, your readers will know. Therefore you keep them spell-bound with sex and the extraordinary. That other stuff about search engines not finding your material is superfluous. If you have Sex, Enigma and One can of inspiration,  you will be found.

Some people prefer to have an inspiration key fitted to their keyboard. That’s all very well, but it doesn’t give the same gratification as opening a can and dipping your finger in; it’s a bit like that Nutella feeling, gooey but nice.

Every bloggers' dream

Every bloggers’ dream

Blogging Tip #6

Be inconsistent, eclectic, keep people guessing.

Tell them one thing and do another, like have a sixth blogging tip when you promised five.

Don’t just dream to be out for lunch, go the whole hog and go viral.

Summary

My pearls maybe wisdom, maybe not, you may get more readers, maybe not, but you will have the satisfaction of blogging. You deserve another coffee.

NB: Some of the above is not nonsense, most of it is.

Remember, when in doubt 🙂

KFC

Not this KFC

Not this KFC

I had a terrible nightmare last night, hence the title. It now means Komputer Fried Citten.

In my nightmare, I dreamed that Clorinha had stuck her nose in the works of my PC, which is always open, and I woke to see her ‘fried’.

I like my PC open, because I am always fiddling and I can see the pretty red light that flashes twinkles in time with the pretty green light on the router and tells me that the internet is fine and dandy. That along with the pretty blue light on the front that bursts into life occasionally, they are so comforting.

But back to the nightmare, I am now aware that it was the harbinger of doom. Later, after my second coffee, I heard a plaintiff ‘mew’ (she’s not big enough to meow yet) I rushed to see what she was mewing about and all I could see was two little paws with claws extended clinging to the window sill. I couldn’t get the door unlocked fast enough and she plopped to the ground, landing between the passion fruit and a pineapple.

Clorinha in bed

Clorinha in bed

I finally got the door open and there she stood, shook her head and appeared none-the-worse for her brief free-fall of a metre and a half (about 4+ feet).

More feline news; Clorinha prefers to sleep on the arm of the sofa. Her daddy, Cloro, was a fan for the bed. When I go to bed she comes in for a quick romp and then jumps down and off to the sofa.

Last night she drew her first blood; cute little claws, but by hell, they hurt. She was sitting on my leg at the PC and slipped off, clutching at anything handy. I’m so glad I had my shorts on… (I wouldn’t have been posting that photo).

myinnerleftthigh

My inner left thigh

My floor is scattered with bits of paper, cotton buds, empty boxes, a handy towel roll centre and pieces of plastic. I daren’t tidy up because Clorinha considers these to be toys. So she’s cheap to entertain.

It’s nigh on lunch time. I have the fish out of the freezer and plan crumbed sole fillets with refried mashed potatoes and a shittake mushroom cream sauce. I also think this merits a white wine. BRB

ConventodaSerravinhobrancoBottle selected, in the freezer for a quick chill. A Convento da Serra white, 2010. It’s a wine from the Alentejo Region in southern Portugal. Reasonable price, R$25 (about $11).

I found some hydrated shittake mushrooms in the supermarket last week. Bit expensive (R$15), but I am so uncontrollable when it comes to novelties, especially such connoisseur items like shittake.

Today is Freeday… my afternoon student canceled yesterday. So I can afford to hit the plonk.

Oh, ‘it’s good to be the king!’ Line stolen from Mel Brooks’ film History of the World Part 1.

I am concerned. I read an article that gave me food for thought. I posted it on They say it’s in the Genes a couple of days ago. Basically it was saying that humans will divide into two subspecies; a squat goblin-like creatures of dim wit, and a taller more intelligent, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative human. It also mentioned that the latter would have larger penises; which prompted one of my readers to post on the matter. One of his concerns was that while we may have larger penises, would our testicles also be enhanced… to not balance the equation, things would appear weird.

Man, historically, has always been consumed with interest about the penis. Ever since they manage to stuff their chubby little hands down the front of their nappies (diapers) men are enamoured by their appendage.

But that as it may, further led me to think on the matter; and this horrible thought sprang to mind. Are we indeed headed for a sexless society?

A lab grown vagina -image: BBC

A lab grown vagina -image: BBC

It is common knowledge that our beloved scientists have managed to grow ears and noses in petri dishes in the laboratory; then I read this morning that they have managed to grow a vagina…

Does the future hold for us to create babies from laboratory manufactured parts and be put together in a similar manner to cars on an assembly line?

Hence doing away with the need for sex and the resulting birth.

Now this might appeal to the more puritan Americans, but I’m not sure it would catch on globally.

To top all this off, I got this pop-up:

you-have-been-online-for-1-year-do-you-wish-to-log-off-and-get-a-life

I’m sorely tempted…

Postless

My fan is on full. I am afraid.

My fan is on full. I am afraid.

I would write a post if I had anything to write about, but as I don’t I won’t.

It’s hot. I feel like the Arctic, melting. I have my own personal global warming.

I watered the plants earlier, they whispered thank you.

I had fish for lunch. It was horrible. I have half a kilo of cat food in the fridge.

If you get caught having sex with a prostitute in France now you can be fined $2,000 under the new law. God those French are stupid.

Damnation! I just realised that I didn’t post this yesterday. So if you’re lucky, you may just get another post later.

Later.

 

Dendrophilous

cokeban99% of the ills of the world would never have arisen if we had remained dendrophilous.

If we had remained in the trees, we would never have had Coca Cola, nor taxes.

Just think… Imagine…

No wars, bonking when the urge comes over us, picking ticks off the wife.

There would be no blogs… HORROR!

What would I do?

Sitting in a tree scratching ones nuts, is hardly a substitute.

CloroPrinter2

He’s a bigger cat now

Cloro has discovered how to turn the printer on. Now that he’s a bigger cat his weight is sufficient to turn the printer on. It’s fun. At first he was stunned by the noise of the printer gearing up, the whirrs, thuds and clicks, but the flashing green lights soon overcame the fear as he batted and pawed at the LCD.

The weather forecast has been right for the last three days, rain. It is right today as well, rain, but not so much as the last three days. Still it makes for comfortable sleeping at night, which can be a hot sweaty affair even without sex.

My plans for Saturday amounted to doing nothing, as predicted, I was successful. I hadn’t finished, so I continued on Sunday.

Here’s something to think about…

You Used To Not Exist

baby-in-a-wombYou used to not exist.

Then you were a baby.

Look at that belly button.

What a funny thing that is.

Soon, you will no longer exist again.

So where will you go?

Well… wait a second…

Where did you start?

Could it be you were always here?

I sincerely don’t see how it cannot.

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”

Source: The Truth You Always Knew

Wow, that’s deep.

Later.

Not only men…

Even horses fall asleep after sex…

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